Bradford - Town of Lies

Place names are usually fairly descriptive, for example Hill Top Road is a road at the top of a hill; Hill Top Fisheries is a Chippy at the top of a hill; Little John's Kebab Hut is a kebab hut owned by a man called John who happens to be vertically challenged.

So, from that, what would you expect Four Lane Ends and Five Lane Ends to be? Logically it would be the point where 4/5 lanes meet, perhaps at a roundabout or at a traffic light controlled junction...? Well, you'd be wrong for thinking that! Here they are:






As you can see, Four Lane Ends would be better off called "One Lane Goes Through and Two Others End" and Five Lane Ends is clearly "Six Lane Ends"...

I wonder if it's worth starting a one-man campaign to get their names changed?

MaFt

Excuses Excuses...

Well, yes, it's been over 10 weeks since I last blogged - and that was a rubbish one...

So, what have I been up to? Well, lots really! Still working hard though! The main reason for the lack of updates was my main PC dying. The motherboard died but it wasn't just a case of replacing it. Noooo... stupid MaFt decided to have one of those Small Form Factor PCs (BioStar IDEQ) with proprietary innards. So, it was a new case and motherboard that I needed - slightly more expensive. Then I realised my PC was about 4 years old so none of the other, working, parts could be used with any new equipment... I had to buy a whole new system - the only bits I kept were the monitor, keyboard, mouse and DVD-burner. Also, thanks to the good folk on the GarminPOI.co.uk Mailing List who donated just over £200 the new stuff didn't cost me anything. I just now need to get that site back up to date for everyone!

Our iron also passed-away, as has my digital camera and my camcorder... However, JVC offered to fix the camcorder for free (even three years out of warranty) as it has a faulty CCD which has caused problems in virtually every unit they were put in. So that was nice of them, shame Olympus want £150 to fix the camera (which I could buy new for less).

Punk Worship 3volution is fast approaching too and this time we've opted for early Saturday mornings for practises seeing as that's the only time slot free between the four of us...

Oh, before I finish, here's a great big thanks to TrixMoto for writing a script for me for MediaMonkey 3 to upload my currently playing song via FTP so I can link to it in the panel on the left! Clever stuff eh?! Also, FoxyTunes added a blogger thingy-ma-bob that shows the world what was on when I typed the post too.

See ya

MaFt

----------------
Now playing: Bowling For Soup - Ohio (Come Back To Texas)
via FoxyTunes

Haiku

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

Piff Poff Poof

...And as if by magic the pubs are now smoke-free!

In case you didn't know, the UK smoking ban is now in place. Soon it'll be illegal to fart in public too.

Now, go buy my stuff!

MaFt

Lifetime Guarantee

Whoever thought up this one was a flippin' genius! I mean, normally you get a one year guarantee on something that you can guarantee will break after one year and a day. However, the cunning marketing people at far too many companies obviously realised that instead of spending all that R&D money designing products that fail exactly one year and twenty-four hours after their first use, they could do it another way.

Simply give the product a 'lifetime' guarantee! You see, it is guaranteed to work for the product's lifetime - as soon as it breaks, it's guarantee has passed! The products lifetime is over and so, therefore, it it's guarantee. Clever sods, aren't they?!

And so, in keeping with this fine tradition, I offer a lifetime guarantee for this blog. It will always be here, right up until it's not!

MaFt

Fact For The Day

Dinosaurs and humans lived on Earth at the same time.

[please note that this post worked better when the images linked correctly... have a read of this to see them: http://www.creationists.org/mananddinos.html]

How else can you explain the images on these Inca burial stones from 500-1500AD?



Or this Aboriginal painting from Queensland



Or a Buddhist temple carving in Cambodia from around 1200AD:



If dinosaur bones were only din the last 200 or so years then how come there re some damn-good depictions of them knocking about from waaaaaaaaaaay before then? The simple answer: they lived only thousands of years ago as opposed to millions and at the same time as humans!

MaFt

Older, But Not Much Wiser

I am now 27... In fact I've been 27 since last Tuesday. I feel older, but I wish I was a bit wiser!

MaFt

Lame Excuse?

One of the down-sides to working from home is the sever lack of blog material I encounter. Working at Leeds Uni was great as I used to commute via bus, train and foot every day. When I was at Nektar I had loads of time doing nothing (and getting paid for it) so blogging was easier. However, now I'm working at home I tend not to come across any peculiar folk that I can write about. Unless, that is, you're interested in the Jehovah's Witness who called round the other day; or the seemingly unendless cold callers telling me I'm entitled to a government grant for free cavity wall insulation - free if you're on benefits. Although I'm told they offer a 50% discount if you're not - hardly free though, is it? Twice they rang today! If you think that having regular phone calls asking if we sell the finest Indian spices is fun then let me know and I can blog about that for you too... I could tell you about Kia the cats smelly breath as she huddles up next to me on the couch, but it's hard to explain the smell with words - if you've ever done a dissection then I can tell you that her breath smells like the innards of a pig, actually, no, probably more like the innards of a chicken.

So, anyway, I'm babbling! Catch ya later!

MaFt

He's A Really Happy Man

Why does Postman Pat always wear his uniform? I know a guy who used to be a postman and outside of working hours he dressed like a normal person. What sort of impression does that give to children? Postman Pat is one big lie and it's about time something was done about it...


Postman Pat (in case you didn't know)

MaFt

You're So Vain You Think This Blog Is About You

Is it just mine or do everyone's MSN conversations take bizarre twists and turns within a short time? Yesterday I was talking to Bli and what started off fairly normal (a broken car) soon turned a bit weird (poo-powered terrorists)...

Note that the colours have been changed to protect the innocent and the poor spelling left intact to protect our status as retards:

Bli says:
my car blew up on the way back to work the other day
MaFt says:
nasty
Bli says:
lot of smoke n stuff .. head gasket blew
MaFt says:
scary. did it go bang?
Bli says:
it did
MaFt says:
cool
Bli says:
on a very busy main road
Bli says:
with lotsa cars trying to go round me without getting too close
MaFt says:
you must smell...
Bli says:
nah .. prolly thought i was a suicide bomber
MaFt says:
wrong colour.
MaFt says:
but you DO have a beard...
MaFt says:
anyway, how can you be a suicide bomber if youve not killed yourself?
Bli says:
damn foiled again
MaFt says:
surel you would just be a potenial sicide bomber? in which case we all have that potential
Bli says:
a failed suicide bommber .. used the wrong fertilsier
MaFt says:
yeah, you can't just use your own poo... muppet!
Bli says:
oh rrreeeeaaalllly...?

Right, that's it for now, I'm off to Germany,

See ya!

MaFt

Brushes

A brush is a brush. It serves a very simple purpose: to brush things. And as such they were created as very simple, inelegant and pretty boring organisms. Take, for example a sweeping brush; It has a long pole with bristles on the end. The hair brush has a small handle with bristles on the end. The brush from a dust-pan and brush is a mid-point between these two - it has a medium sized handle with bristles on the end. Generally, the brush species each share the common traits of a handle with bristles on the end. Like I stated earlier, they are simple, boring creatures. They usually live hidden out of sight...

Why then do we put so much emphasis on the bog-brush? Why can't we just let them be a natural species? Why do we need to genetically modify them to produce fancy looking things? Take these examples:



Considering this species of brush is generally used for swishing around in wee and poo infested toilets, you'd think they'd be bred to be a bit plainer like the other brushes...

MaFt

Not Again...

Carrying on from yesterdays mis-adventure I nearly did the opposite earlier on... King of Shaves shaving gel nearly went in my hair...! Luckily I noticed (unlike yesterday) and didn't actually squeeze any out this time!

I blame a long night with little sleep (cheers Mini-MaFt!)

MaFt

Don't You Just Hate It When...

You start using hair-gel instead of shaving-gel...

Animal Farm

Received this the other day:

Dear Reader

Petitioning the Prime Minister seems to be very much in vogue at present, with the media giving a great deal of coverage to Number 10's dedicated website. A new petition has been set up via that website in support of animal research, stating:

Animal research has enabled scientists to find treatments for cancer, vaccines and antibiotics. This does not advocate using animals unnecessarily but animal research is required because sometimes there are no other viable alternatives. In addition it is unrealistic to force animal research to stop by a certain date since nobody can predict future scientific progress in finding other methods that produce accurate results compared with those from animal research. It is for these reasons this petition calls for continued support for animal research.

If you would like to support this petition, it can be found at: http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/animalresearch/

Thanks again for your continuing support.

Yours

Jo

Jo Tanner
Chief Executive
Coalition for Medical Progress

Go on, do it for the kids!

MaFt

Mmmmm

There's nowt beats a freshly baked Pork Pie!

MaFt

New Year, Old Jokes

Yesterday we decided to take all the decorations down and rearrange the living room. While we were taking the tree down we realised we had not pulled any crackers! We'd put them on the tree as decorations but owing to us eating out on Christmas day (if you were about to ask, it was pretty crap) and being at various family members' houses for the rest of the week we never had time for them.

So, in case you were wondering on the quality of the gifts and jokes that we had, here is the run down of all 12 jokes and all 12 gifts (in no particular order):

Gifts:



1. Fiddly Metal Toy Thing - one of those little things you fiddle with for hours on end and then finally manage to complete it, only to discover you can't get the thing back together...

2. Wax Crayons - set of 4 (yellow, green, blue and red) wax crayons. Presumably for use with #10. Small, fiddly and hard to hold unless you're a mouse.

3. 'Purple' Pen - a low quality, purple-plastic pen that actually writes in blue. Has a smooth click action for extraction/retraction of the nib. Good, all-round use and can also be used along side #2 with #10.

4. Whoopee Cushion - more of a 'squeek' than a 'parp' but then it's easily portable due to it's small size. You can't have everything, can you?

5. Green Plastic Hair Clip - one for the girls I guess, but I find it hard to imagine an outfit that it would go with. When I do manage to imagine an outfit it may go with it's a truly hideous one...

6. Tape Measure - A whole 60 inches / 5 foot / 150cm. Useful for measuring things less than 1.5m. Not many other uses really.



7. Set of Marbles - 6 marbles in a stunning red bag. Pretty useless really as the rules of marbles clearly state that you need 13 in the middle of the ring and then you need ones to play with... Still, it could be used to add to your marble collection (if you have one).

8. Whistle Lips - simply pop it in your mouth and blow it to make a noise like the secret Thistle Whistle only not as loud and without the Scottish Sea Dragons...

9. Playing Cards - small pack of cards for mouse-sized hands. Crackers seem to cater for very small people. I'm presuming it's a full set as I've not been bothered to open them yet to check; I doubt I ever will either.

10. Notepad - small (mouse-sized?) notepad with special 'silver reflective cover'. Contains 50 sheets (well, I got to 27 and figured I was roughly half-way through) and suitable for use with items #2 and #3.

11. Pink Water-Pistol - holds approximately 7ml of liquid and has a range of around 6 foot (180cm) depending on the Strength-of-Squeeze Factor and other GCSE Physics constants.

12. Star Pencil Sharpener - sharpen pencils and other objects of similar girth. Not suitable for use with #3 but will work with #2 (although no guarantee is given).


Now, onto the 'jokes'. It will soon become clear why I have put the word 'jokes' in quotes... Each 'joke' had a number in the corner, presumably so the monkeys packing the crackers did not duplicate a 'joke' in each set of crackers.

1. What lives at the bottom of the sea and shivers?     A nervous wreck.
2. What do you call a crate of ducks?     A box of quackery.
3. Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?     The breast stroke, sir.
4. Why can't you play cards in the jungle?     There are too many cheetahs.
5. What do cannibals play at parties?     Swallow my leader.
6. How do you get down from an elephant?     You don't, you get down from ducks.
7. What would happen if pigs could fly?     Bacon would go up.
8. How do you get two whales in a car?     Over the Severn Bridge.
9. Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?     Because its feet smell.
10. How do you start a bear race?     Readdy, teddy, go.
11. What's sweet and swings through the jungle?     Tarzipan.
12. Why did the jelly baby go to school?     Because it wanted to be a smartie.

Boom boom! That's the noise the writers of these 'jokes' will be hearing if I ever met one of them... Not that I own a gun, or condone the use of violence...

Happy 2007!

MaFt

More Daftness

I'm sure that old-age is making me lose my mind. I mean, 26 years old IS pretty old really - I'm probably a third of the way through my whole life...

I did another stupid thing yesterday although not quite as girly as being scared of a spider! I was hoovering up in the lounge (ok, maybe it IS as girly...) and there was a big bit of stuff on the floor. The hoover didn't pick it up first time so I tried reversing over it, you know, just to make sure. It still didn't manage to suck it up into the spiders new abode. So I tried again, both going forward and in reverse. Still no luck.

So what did I do? I bent down to pick up this bit of stuff to make sure that it wasn't stuck in the carpet and after confirming that it wasn't stuck in the carpet I put it back on the floor and tried to hoover it up again. Why I didn't just put it in the bin when I'd picked it up I have no idea... Perhaps it was just to make sure the hoover was really working, perhaps I'm just daft... It can't only be me that does it, surely?!


Her With The Hoover

DaFt (my new name?!)

A Decade Has Passed!

Well, 10 days rather than 10 years... I'm still dead busy hence my complete lack of Blogness! But all is almost done! PW2 went really well and the decorating at the Mother-In-Laws is coming to a close. Once that's done I can get cracking on all the video editing that has been building up since Summer 2005...

That's about it really, nothing of interest has happened! I'll try make the blog a bit more interesting in the near future too!

MaFt

Beat The System!

It's December tomorrow and that means Mrs-MaFt will soon be demanding I get the step-ladders out and risk life and limb balancing on them with Mini-MaFt running underneath me getting the Christmas Decorations up.

The Mother-in-Law has been sorting through their lights and all that lot over the last few days and found that most of them don't work - most of which they only bought last year. However, they bought them at the wrong time.

It got me thinking that if you don't mind having your decorations put up a week or so late every other year then you can beat the warranty system and show the big light companies that "you're the man". Well, here's my great money saving idea:

December 20th 2006: buy new Christmas lights with 12-month warranty. Put them up, get drunk and enjoy Christmas.

December 10th 2007: put your decorations up a bit earlier and if they don't work then they are still within their 12-month warranty period and you get them replaced. If they do work, then great, you've not lost out on anything!

For the following years: if you need new decorations then get them as late as possible to ensure you have some time left in your warranty to get them replaced the following year if things go wrong.

Dead simple isn't it? I have far too much time to think...

MaFt

Damn...

MySpace Quizzes

Bugger...

MaFt